One year ago today I got life changing news. It was one of the scariest moments of my life...but also one of the most joyful. One year ago today....here is what I did.
I went to work...I thought to myself "hmmm...my period is due today." I posted to my Facebook "I need to get my ass in shape, I've putting on some pounds!" Nick and I had just moved in together the week before. I decided to go to Wal-Mart after work and pick up a scale, and a pregnancy test just to see. I had been complaining about my boobs hurting for a couple weeks and was super emotional, but I had chalked it up to PMS. I called Nick and he said he needed to go to Home Depot, so I picked him up and we headed to Wal-Mart. I didn't want to tell Nick that I was getting a pregnancy test. I figured there was no sense freaking him out if it was a false alarm. So I just told him I wanted the scale...and as luck would have it, while we were in the store he received a phone call and wandered off. I remember there was an old lady in there with nasty perfume on and I complained that I needed to get away from her smell. Once Nick was preoccupied, I went and found the pregnancy test and hid it between my chest and the scale. I did not plan on the fact that Nick was taller than me and could look down and see it. I made it a little awkward finishing our errands. Next was Costco where the samples of pickles made me want to barf in the middle of the store. Then to Home Depot, where I saw pregnant woman and wondered if I was next. Then we went to Wahoo's to pick up dinner. While we were there I asked Nick what he was thinking. He confessed that we weren't ready for a baby, not financially, not emotionally, and not as a couple. I cannot begin to tell you how much hearing this upset me. If I was pregnant, it was too late for second thoughts or regrets. If I was pregnant, I would be so happy...and I wanted him to be too. But from the looks of it, he was not going to be.
When we got home, the first thing I did was run to the bathroom, pregnancy test and cell phone in hand. While I waited, I sent a text to one of my good friends confessing my fears, Nick's reaction, and what I was doing. I set the pregnancy test on the floor and just stared at it. And then...an ever so faint second line started to appear (signaling that the test was positive). I smiled, cried, and then thought of Nick and what he would say...then I cried harder. All I wanted was for him to realize the miracle this was and be happy that we would be parents. I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him, or else I wouldn't have moved in with him.
Nick came to the bathroom door, no doubt heard me sobbing, and asked if I was okay. I opened the door a crack, and shoved the pregnancy test out the opening, then closed the door fast. I do wish I could have seen the look on his face, but I can just imagine what it was. I'm sure he turned ghost white, wanted to throw up a little, and thought to himself "shhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiit!" I came out of the bathroom, he grabbed me and held me while I cried, until I got so hot I had to pull away. I told him I just wanted him to be happy. He didn't say much. I asked him to recreate the look on his face, which was pretty much what I thought. Then he went back to the living room to fix the couch leg that broke when we moved. He didn't talk to me for about 3 hours. Dinner was getting cold...I was texting everyone to tell them the news. I didn't want to call any one person first, so I texted my family at the same time.
Nick went to the garage "to get some thing" but really, he called his mom. Then she called me. I froze in fear...thinking she would have some pretty harsh words for me about trapping her son or some thing....but when I picked up the phone she was so happy and so excited and it was just what I needed, someone to be happy and excited for me. I had waited a long time for this moment. I was a couple months away from turning 31, and I wasn't even sure pregnancy was an option for me. I definitely never dreamed it would happen so fast. I mean, I know there is always a chance, but I truly believed I would have a hard time getting pregnant when it was finally time. I also had two miscarriages when I was younger, so even carrying a baby to term was iffy.
I would love to sit here and tell you some fairy tale ending to all this. How Nick magically was happy and excited to be a dad. How we lived happily ever after. How that night he apologized and proposed and said all the things I wanted to hear....but this is reality...not a fairy tale. The truth is, this news broke us. I was scared to death that I would stress out and lose the baby. I was sick and didn't get out of bed. I was lonely, clingy, and hyper emotional. And the more I reached for him, the more Nick pulled away. We ended up separating for months, I moved in with my parents and I thought we were done and my baby would grow up without a father. Those months took so much out of me. I worried an cried on a daily basis....but I also knew if I had to, I would do it alone. When I look back on this past year, to say there were ups and downs would be an understatement. It was more like peaks and valleys. And as it turns out, Nick is a pretty good dad and when he's not being a butthead, a pretty good boyfriend too. It would be nice to say that life was perfect, but sometimes that is just not the case....sometimes you need the valleys to know how amazing the view is from the peak.
